I didn't know whether to laugh or cry

Lately, I've been really struggling to settle in to North Tawton. I realised the other day that the only reason we moved here is because it was the only house we could find in Devon that would let us bring Shadow.

Now he's not here, the niggles of doubt I had about the lack of public transport amongst other stuff have just exploded and becoming major issues for me.

I'm really down all the time and I get so upset so easily, I'm worried that it's going to affect me at work. I don't really want to talk to people just because I know they're going to upset me and you kinda need to be tough there. It's not like I'm helping my self either, I just seem to listen to a lot of depressing Morrissey shit.

I feel guilty about feeling this way, most people save up their entire lives to live the country life not to mention it's a lifelong dream for Phil to move back here. Maybe it's the grief and shock of witnessing my dog's death that has kicked everything off.

We finally got his ashes back yesterday it was quite sad, I felt awkward for my friend, who was visiting for a few days, seeing me upset. His ashes came back in a beautiful wooden urn with a little flower arrangement by an engraving of his name.

Like I said, my friend Chris came to visit for a few days we went to a Chinese restaurant which was really good, I've missed Chinese! It was nice to get out around Devon, except when we arrived at Plymouth it was a shithole. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry because we thought about moving to Plymouth until we were told we were better off staying in Wigan.