Hello,
It's been a while!
I'm still in Devon, still living with Phil. Decided that I should stay away for a bit while I figure things out.I'm working at last! I'm reviewing videogames Yay!!
I'll post a real update soon and catch up with my favourite blogs.
Here I am, now a quarter of a century old. It feels a bit odd, I don't feel 25 and I don't look twenty five either.
With every year older I get, I always like to wonder what my life will be like in ten years time. Ten years ago I was certain that in ten years time I'd be living in New York making ends meet by creating art, surrounded by lots of musician friends with some sort of crazy hairstyle. I have the hairstyle and that's about it.
I didn't think for a second I'd be married and living in Devon, still not really knowing what I want to do with my life. I thought I'd be more established than I am.
I found myself taking a huge interest in politics in my late teens and as a result of bad decisions decided to do a degree in it. Towards the beginning of my final year I realised that it is not what I wanted to do. Thinking clearly, I should have done a photography degree, built up contacts and work as a photographer's assistant... In New York.
Strictly speaking the politics wasn't a bad idea as such, it's a good back up but do I really want to be spending 12 hours a day in a government office pushing pens? I've had a taste of that and it's awful.
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Sorry I haven't updated. I wrote that a few months ago before I actually turned 25 two weeks ago.
So the news is, I'm splitting up with Phil, I found e-mails on his phone of a sexual nature to a girl he had met on Omegle and proceeded to swap personal email addreses.
Let me make it clear that I wasn't snooping, I was trying to open the Angry Birds app on his phone and accidently opened his Gmail which shows the the first line of the email, which was explicit.
I'm not going into what was exactly said in the emails but of course Phil's given me every excuse he can think of
"I didn't know what I was doing",
"It was a joke",
"I wasn't thinking of actually doing to her, what I'd written in the e-mail",
"If I'd known you'd react like this, I'd never had sent them"
"I was only being explicit because that's what I thought I was supposed to do",
And so forth.
Although he has given me "reasons" as to why he did it, he maintains the belief that he hasn't done anything wrong and I am getting the wrong stick of what exactly "went down".
I am the one feeling ashamed by his actions and he is carrying on like nothing happened.
I don't know what else to say, except he has destroyed me.
EDIT!
13th April 2o11
Blogger no longer lets me post new posts. It deletes them after they have been posted!
I haven't posted in a while because absolutely nothing has happened since the last time I posted.
I turn 25 on the 30th of this month and I've been putting my life into perspective. Apart from meeting all the academic goals one wishes to achieve throughout their life, I have achieved nothing.
It's pretty scary.
I haven't travelled abroad in 8 years and I feel that I haven't been able to reap the rewards of a good education.
For those 8 years I've dreamed about living a life in Japan as a teacher. I'd hardly thought about it during the duration of my marriage, but a few weeks ago I had a very graphic dream that I was a teacher in Shin Juku, Tokyo.
What if I could make it a reality? So I've been doing research into it and I meet all, if not most of the requirements to teach in Japan. I am determined to do this, for the sake of my sanity. I am excited.
Only there is the small matter of having a husband.
I've been gently trying to drop hints about us moving to Japan and he has stated flat out that he would never move to Japan. He doesn't like the fast paced city lifestyle that the Japanese live.
He's all for living like my aunt and uncle, in two different continents seeing each other 4 weeks of the year.
I absolutely do not want to have such a long distance marriage. So I've told him that he has three options.
1] Move with me and have a "happily ever after" life
2] Stay here and not be surprised if I cheat, I have urges and he is effectively denying them.
3] Divorce
Now of course I want him to come with me. I have ways in to persuade him. If all else fails, I'll subtlely place articles around the house about Western girls being murdered in Japan. This should kick in his need to protect his woman.
I've sacrificed my whole life for him so apart from option 1 I don't really care how this pans out. In all fairity it was a pretty dick move for him to move us here without him having a stable job to support us. With us wanting so many different things from life I wonder how this marriage will last, he already behaves twenty years older than I.
People are very tolerant in Devon. The other night at about 12am I decided to put some music on the surround sound and have a bath, the bathroom is right at the back of the house complete with catflaps, you could almost say it's like a modern out house. To listen to music from the bathroom the sound has to be high.
So like I said, it was 12am and there was loud music playing... And... No one knocked on the door to complain of the noise.
Back in Wigan we lived next door to old people, who weren't thrilled on living next door to a young couple for whatever reason. They'd always come round complaining if we had music on or we had friends round. So it was really nice to know that people in Devon do not give a shit on any given day of the week about what their neighbours are doing and don't curtain twitch every time they hear you going out/coming home.
Yes, writing about a bath is the most exciting thing I can come up with. On Saturday we're going to some Chinese New Year Festivities, I can see Phil wanting to stay up really late 'because it's a Friday night' and then we end up sleeping through. I'll take some pictures to show if we get there. Nothing much has happened since I last posted, I'm still jobless and the local news reported 'hundreds more to lose their jobs in Okehampton'.
The job prospects are getting narrower and narrower with each passing month.
Wishing all my fellow bloggers a very Merry Christmas. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your blogs this past year. So here's to the new year and to all the great entries that keep me entertained!
And thank you to Kitty for the very nice uplifting words in my last post, I'm glad that your blisters didn't kill you on Mont Blanc!
Right, I'm off, this Advocaat and lemonade is making me mis-spell words heavily. I'm sexy when you're drunk! xx
My dreads are still on my head.
I had them eating out of the palm of my hand, they appeared to be really impressed with me. Yet I didn't get the job.
Maybe it's time to cut my dreadlocks off. Not that you could tell I have them the way I tie them up.
It's true I wasn't too fussed about getting it seeing as it was part time but failure makes me feel like a failure.
When it comes to job interviews, I usually tell on a need to know basis [need to knowers, Phil and the pub landlady]. But I figured I would announce it because I don't think I'm interested in the job.
So yeah, I have an interview this Tuesday for a local council, The job's basically an admin role but it's title is officer ooooOOOOooooh!
I've applying for a few weeks and I've been getting nowhere. I posess a scary amount of drive to be one of life's succeeders, and I panicked. I panicked because I could [again] see the rest of my life being one of life's losers, waiting for death because there's naff all else to do except sit on the sofa and eat.
I'm still on the cabbage soup diet, I know I know you're only supposed to stay on it for a week but you see, I bought this BEAUTIFUL dress a size smaller than I am and I really want to fit into it for Christmas, plus I really enjoy the diet!
So far I've lost 9lbs, I've been unable to get under a certain weight for a couple of years and I'm now under it yay! So after I've done this week I'm going to do a week on week off until Christmas. I really think that doing the diet has set the foundations to eat healthier and the drive to lose the extra weight I've been carrying for four years!!
So the goal is to fit into THE dress on Christmas day and I'm aiming to be about 129lbs by my 25th birthday in March and I really think I can do it. I don't want to be a lollypop, I look my best when I'm slim with curves. I haven't missed take out food or fizzy pop either!
So, to all my friends who told me I'd not lose any weight and pass gas and I'll gain it all back within two days: F*** you!
PS I've been blogging exactly a year!
I got a job.
I quit two days later.
Never again will I work in a warehouse.
The underneath of my finger nails became a haven for dirt and rat piss.
I'm now on day 2 the cabbage soup diet.
I'm really gassy but I lost 2lb in two days.
FML
Today I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. I laughed. The doctor didn't.
"It's very serious".
"I'm not known for being miserable".
So the Doc wanted to know why I was depressed and I told him that I'd recently seen that Street Dance 3D film and I was pretty distraught about never getting back the 98 mins I'd wasted watching it.
*silence....
He starts writing on prescription paper as I'm telling him what's REALLY going on, suspects he's not actually listening*.
"Okay, take these they'll start to come into effect in 4 weeks."
Whaa?? I don't want to wait four weeks, Nor do I trust to put anything in my body made by Glaxo-SmithKline or Bayer! So I asked him if there was any alternative medicine I could try or if there were any Yoga classes in the area.
"There's no Yoga classes available to you. You could try to take St Johns Wort, although contrary to what people of.."
"I'm not a hippy."
"You could try counselling."
"And tell some sandal wearing, patronising stranger who shows no qualms about her love for cats in the form of motivational posters about my life?!"
*raised eyebrow as he looks at my shoes*
"These, are not sandals. They have a heel and you can't see my toes."
To be honest I don't want to talk to a stranger about my life, it's not natural to disclose your inner most thoughts to strangers... Face to face, of course...
So I thanked him for his time and left.
I got home, set up my wii and did an hour of Wii Yoga, talked to my husband who was liberal with hugs then I put a pork joint in the oven, I needed a comforting roast dinner!
In other news my cats are having withdrawal symptoms.
After reading one too many articles about the dangers of feeding kibble to cats, I decided to switch them on a raw diet.
I find it slightly disturbing that my cats are crying out for high content grain, feathers, hooves and parts of deceased pets and cancerous cells shaped into cute fish shapes instead of the nutritious chicken breasts, bone meal and rice that I put out for them.
Mitzy cat threw up a little bit this morning, because she hasn't eaten in a day, it was just water. She just walks around in circles confused as to where her beloved shitty food is, when she's not wondering in circles that she's sat by her food bowl. At night she becomes a mini kitty psycho. running around at full speed like she's on crack.
Milkshake will eat the new food no problem. I think he enjoys it. He's no where near as fussy as Mitzy.
Apparently a cat can go two days without food no problem and they'll never starve themselves so I'm not too worried about Mitzy's protests. Although I did cave in this morning and sprinkle a little dry food over the breasts and she did eat some of it.
Clinically depressed Claire, withdrawn cats. It's oh so fun in our house at the moment.
I hope the Liver peas and gravy go down better tonight.
I like it when my bosses husband is angry at me because he gets his sixteen year old son to pour pints. It's a bold statement to remind me that this is a family business and I am easily replaceable.
So far his cruel attempts to make me quit have been fruitless. I am immune to him and his little cronies sat at the bar pointing and laughing at me, I don't care.
I can tell he really doesn't want me working there, instead of resorting to games neanderthals like, he should just straight up sack me.
Instead of looking for a real job this week, I bought some Jurrassic Park Velociraptor models and made a hilarious storyboard of shots to take of them. I'm thinking of turning it into a new project 365... After the current one is completed of course.
In short, there is no hope for me to succeed in life.
Here I am, now a quarter of a century old. It feels a bit odd, I don't feel 25 and I don't look twenty five either.
With every year older I get, I always like to wonder what my life will be like in ten years time. Ten years ago I was certain that in ten years time I'd be living in New York making ends meet by creating art, surrounded by lots of musician friends with some sort of crazy hairstyle. I have the hairstyle and that's about it.
I didn't think for a second I'd be married and living in Devon, still not really knowing what I want to do with my life. I thought I'd be more established than I am.
I found myself taking a huge interest in politics in my late teens and as a result of bad decisions decided to do a degree in it. Towards the beginning of my final year I realised that it is not what I wanted to do. Thinking clearly, I should have done a photography degree, built up contacts and work as a photographer's assistant... In New York.
Strictly speaking the politics wasn't a bad idea as such, it's a good back up but do I really want to be spending 12 hours a day in a government office pushing pens? I've had a taste of that and it's awful.
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Sorry I haven't updated. I wrote that a few months ago before I actually turned 25 two weeks ago.
So the news is, I'm splitting up with Phil, I found e-mails on his phone of a sexual nature to a girl he had met on Omegle and proceeded to swap personal email addreses.
Let me make it clear that I wasn't snooping, I was trying to open the Angry Birds app on his phone and accidently opened his Gmail which shows the the first line of the email, which was explicit.
I'm not going into what was exactly said in the emails but of course Phil's given me every excuse he can think of
"I didn't know what I was doing",
"It was a joke",
"I wasn't thinking of actually doing to her, what I'd written in the e-mail",
"If I'd known you'd react like this, I'd never had sent them"
"I was only being explicit because that's what I thought I was supposed to do",
And so forth.
Although he has given me "reasons" as to why he did it, he maintains the belief that he hasn't done anything wrong and I am getting the wrong stick of what exactly "went down".
I am the one feeling ashamed by his actions and he is carrying on like nothing happened.
I don't know what else to say, except he has destroyed me.
Not much happening at the moment, we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary last week which was... Nice. Normally we stay in but this year we went out for lunch and it was such a ball ache. When you live so far out in the sticks every little trip has to be planned with precision so from now on we're going to stick with what we know and stay in.
I spent the last of my savings on a new 50D camera, 100mm macro lens and a new 42" TV and new tools to start up our own carpentry business last week. I feel guilty about spending so much! Let's be honest, the amount was sat being unused for a long time. I personally felt like I deserved it, most of my savings I've had since I was 18 coupled with my inheritence went into the move [I never been good at spending money just because]. I've had an incredibly difficult year so why not give myself some happiness? Here's a shot I took today, I have severe arachnophobia, I am so brave!
I'm going to be opening my own etsy shop selling my photography prints in the next week or two . I think it's about time my skills started paying. Right now I'm researching my market and reviewing my business model and seeing what sells and what doesn't on the site.
I still feel very mixed about this town. I dislike a lot of people, I really cannot deal with the staggering racist and chauvinistic views.
Men tell me "women should be on their backs giving birth". I've never known so many women haters in one place and don't even get me started on the racism! When people train their dogs to growl when the "N" word is spoken, there's something very wrong in that.
I think wherever we move one of us will be unhappy. Personally, and I've only recently realised, I'll never be happy unless I'm in a city. There's a photographic society in Exeter and I can't go because the last bus from Exeter to here is 6.45pm.
Oh, by the way, to the comments on my last blog entry, which I've only just seen, it was about my camera which I upgraded and how I was a bit sad because I didn't want to buy a new one but it was getting a bit frail . P mode is "program mode", I shoot solely in Manual mode, quite often when I turned it on it'd be "P mode! P mode!" and I'd be screaming"No! Manual!" I also thought you'd been able to comment on my blog for a while! Obviously not! :P
I bet you all thought I'm some sort of hard drug user! oh, the LOLZ.
When we first started using together, I wasn't sure you were right for me. I thought that you were way out of my league and I was nervous with you but I soon learned how to handle using and you put me at ease.
We've endured some tough times together and we've also had some wonderful times together but lately, I feel that things have been going a little sour between us. I'm starting to feel a little let down and I'm worried that using daily is taking it's toll on you.
I feel like we're a bit like Ralph Macchio and Mr Myagi. You taught me everything you could about using and you're getting a little frail and it's heartbreaking, I love you. I am the one, that will fight for your honour and you know this.
All great loves come to an end some way or another, Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra to name but a few.
What I'm trying to say 400D, is that I've met someone else. It's certainly not nice that I have to tell you over the internet but I think you have to know. He's called 50D.
We met at Jessops, but I'd been lusting after him online while you were sleeping for a long, long time. Shhhh, the times and dates don't matter.
I just couldn't betray you in Jessops so we went across the road to London Camera Exchange and did the nasty there. 400D, I swear to you I never laid any cash down at either store.
I want you to know that it's always been you and if it's okay, I'd like him to move in with us next week. Even if you say no, I already told him that you were okay with it.
You're my first love and you will always be my favourite, I just think we need to stop because I'm scared you'll die and it's taking it's toll on you. When I turn you on you tell me you've set your mind to P mode even though externally you tell me you're in Manual mode, you never used to do that, baby.
Please know that I am doing this for both our benefits, but mainly yours, I can't have you die on me, not now. We'll still use regularly together but not as much. I'm sorry, don't hate me.
We're trying to get shit back on track by starting a business making handmade must haves with wood. Things are getting worse between us he is wearing rose tinted glasses. How can he think that we are better off than before?
What happened to him? When did he become so disinterested in working? He thinks I have it all wrong. All I care about is making money, seeing the world. According to him money shouldn't matter.
Are you kidding me? Who is this bum?
Phil promised me things would be so much better financially, but they're not. Phil and I are split right down the middle on what's best for us. I'd never ask him to move back to Wigan but I'm not sure living here is right for us
I miss my friends and I miss not feeling confined to one town. As nice as some of the people here are, I don't think I'm comfortable with people knowing my business so I'm never my true self, mostly because I don't want the bother and constant interrogations from people in which I end up telling them just to shut them up.
There's only so many repeated life stories I can handle, Not just when I'm behind the bar but also when I'm sat at the bar, and, the questions about my hair!!! Honestly, I've never seen any of them ask each other questions on their hair style.
People haven given me the nickname 'tree lady'. It's mildly amusing that they think I hug every tree I see. Or that they even think of me as a hippy. For one thing, I'd never touch Quinoa, Primarks always a winner too, I admire the exquisite embroidery and the talent of such young seamstresses. I'm joking!
Some crackhead tried and failed to steal a guitar tonight from the pub. I've also been thinking about calling it a day with this blog, I find I can't really write about what I want to as I now feel a bit restricted in what I can and can't say.
Lately, I've been really struggling to settle in to North Tawton. I realised the other day that the only reason we moved here is because it was the only house we could find in Devon that would let us bring Shadow.
Now he's not here, the niggles of doubt I had about the lack of public transport amongst other stuff have just exploded and becoming major issues for me.
I'm really down all the time and I get so upset so easily, I'm worried that it's going to affect me at work. I don't really want to talk to people just because I know they're going to upset me and you kinda need to be tough there. It's not like I'm helping my self either, I just seem to listen to a lot of depressing Morrissey shit.
I feel guilty about feeling this way, most people save up their entire lives to live the country life not to mention it's a lifelong dream for Phil to move back here. Maybe it's the grief and shock of witnessing my dog's death that has kicked everything off.
We finally got his ashes back yesterday it was quite sad, I felt awkward for my friend, who was visiting for a few days, seeing me upset. His ashes came back in a beautiful wooden urn with a little flower arrangement by an engraving of his name.
Like I said, my friend Chris came to visit for a few days we went to a Chinese restaurant which was really good, I've missed Chinese! It was nice to get out around Devon, except when we arrived at Plymouth it was a shithole. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry because we thought about moving to Plymouth until we were told we were better off staying in Wigan.
When I was a little girl, when most other little girls were playing "house", I was pretending I had some sort of animal best friend. For most of my childhood it was my beloved cockerspaniel toy called "Lady" after the other famous cockerspaniel of the same name.
While other little girls were planning their wedding days, I was dreaming of owning a dog who was just as devoted to me as I was to it.
Now, after watching countless "Lassie" episodes, my heart was set on a Shetland Sheepdog, I was in awe of her [Lassie was, infact always played by a male] loyality but as I got older, I realised the length of the coat wasn't something I was keen to keep on top of.
Then, after watching Flipper and Free Willy, I wanted either or, again, because of their devotion to their child friends, even to this day I don't know how I thought I could pull off having a whale in my bath! I was downright obsessed with finding that perfect animal companion. You can see in most of these pictures that my adoration for all things great and small was immense.
I have vague recollections of owning countless rabbits in my early years. I think the first ever pet I had was a huge French Lop earred Rabbit not unlike the picture below, his name escapes me but I remember being heartbroken when my dad found him dead in the valley below our house.
When I was four, we adopted a beautiful ginger tom cat, imaginatively named Amber. He was around four years old too and oh my lord, did I enjoy having a cat the same age as me. At the time I was hooked on The Rescuers and, as he resembled Rufus, I tried and failed to carry him like Penny did in the film:
He used to sleep in my bed but he would end up hogging it and I remember there being more than one time where I was up for hours figuring out how to move him off my bed without him scratching me.
I must say he was the most gentle cat but, one day I chauved him to no end and he scratched me so hard I had a fear of him until I was ten, when a few years earlier, my mother was backing out her car and RAN HIM OVER resulting in him having a dead back leg. Fast forward back to 1995 and he was having a lot of problems with his leg which ended with an amputation.
During his recovery he had to sleep in my room with me as my parents did not want him in their room and my sisters was too small. His recovery helped my fear of him scratching me again, but it wasn't until my teens that I appreciated him as a gentle creature. He died ten days before my twentieth birthday, I will always be grateful that my first "real" [and by real I meant lived in the house instead of a hutch in the garage] pet was with me throughout my childhood and my teenhood. It was a heartfelt rite of passage that he died on the cusp of my adult life as if to say:
"you're on your own kiddo, you don't need me anymore".
In 1993, although my parents swore it was 1996 [I read her papers and I remember her DOB as September 10th 1992] I thought my prayers had been answered. We were getting a dog! I was sooo excited. I remember begging for a Dobermann which to this day is a breed I would still like to own.
My parents were under the assumption that big dogs equated to mauled children so they played it safe and got a West Highland White Terrier pup, a bitch no less as females were supposed to be more maternal.
My dreams had come true, I would finally have a loyal companion. Oh how I was wrong. Poppy was a law unto herself. My parents had no real knowledge of training dogs and therefore she was not well trained at all. She had her occassional loving moments, but it was on her terms. She came back when SHE wanted to, and she ran rings around us. In 2000 she ran away not returning until 6am the next day. My mother, being the heartless cow she is, drove her straight to the pound and I never saw her again.
I still begged my parents for a Doberman but they downright refused "when you move out you can have whatever pet you want. So I did. First, I got the black kitten I had been craving for a while, then a few months later I got a beautiful tortoise shell who loves the bones off me and I her. But cats, they are very solitary and they sleep for 21 hours a day and, while I had two loving moggies, I still wanted that loyalty from a dog.
On the 4th November 2008, Shadow came into our lives aged 10 weeks old. We didn't hit it off too well at first for I stood on his tail while we were at the breeders. We sat up all night watching the US elections and I was mesmerised by him, I knew we would go on to have a very special bond, the kind I hoped for. And we did.
Although it was not for long, in Shadow, was my protector, friend and fellow conspirator against my husband, all in gest I may add, we were like Turner and Hooch but without the initial hatred, or the crime fighting. High fiving when our latest trick at annoying Phil pulled off.
I have always wanted five members in my family, if I were to have kids, I want two boys and a girl. I had three pets, two males and a female and the Burton household was complete
...And then we become four, and my whole world fell apart.
It's nearly been 24 hours since Shadow left this world. We are both walking zombies.
I have never seen Phil cry and to see him break down every half an hour crying is unbearable. There is an atmosphere in this house that I do not like at all. The house feels cold and empty and I wonder if it will ever change into the house it was before yesterday's events. It still hasn't hit me properly that he has passed one thing for sure, is that my family feels incomplete without him.
Shadow is coming home in two weeks. I thought it would be sooner, we have never spent more than a few hours away from each other. These two weeks will be the longest of our lives as we feel we can have some closure when he returns. Thinking about bringing him home breaks my heart.
We've been sobbing so much these past 23 hours that, when we think we have no tears left, we either think we hear him or we smell him and the sobbing starts again. I did not expect there to be so much sorrow so soon after the move.
If there's one thing that I admire, it's the unity that Phil and I share as we lie in bed and weep for our friend as we play over the events of yesterday. He has been a tower of strength for me and I hope that he can say the same about me.
I just can't get it in to my head that Shadow was fine that morning and 9 hours later we were saying our goodbyes. We did our little routine where I say in a stupid voice "What are YOU doing?!" and he stuck his tongue out and wagged his tail, then went for a shit.
I feel guilty that we didn't see what the prognosis would have been like today, but he had been seizuring for a couple of hours from when we found him, to when he was put to sleep and no matter how much I wish for this, and I wish for that, there was nothing anyone could do for him.
We said our goodbyes and he sat up and for that moment seemed normal then his eyes rolled back and he started seizing again. It would have been cruel to keep him alive.
Watching a loved one go through a seizure is terrifying and I couldn't give him a proper goodbye as I was so scared watching him seize. I wanted to hold him and hug him and kiss him but I just crouched beside him and babbled on about how he was a good lad... Served us well.
I am extremely grateful that Phil thought nothing of being there for his friend in his time of need when I couldn't.
I will never feel safe at night knowing he is not there to "go protect the kingdom" as we often told him to do before we went to bed and he'd have a scan round the house, with such purpose, making sure everyone was safe and there were no burglars around.
We honestly believed he would see us well into our thirties, I had always looked forward to turning thirty with my beloved German Shepherd at my side, at least now, he can spend the rest of our days with us in some sort of physical form.
It is with great sadness that I have to report Shadow's death today due to a seizure that he couldn't come round from.
Shadow was our friend, our companion, protector of our kingdom, whose unconditional love for his family showed no boundaries during his short life and for that we will never forget him.
RIP Shadow, You Are The Light That Burned Twice As Bright But Burned half As Long.
