pushing pens??

Here I am, now a quarter of a century old. It feels a bit odd, I don't feel 25 and I don't look twenty five either.

With every year older I get, I always like to wonder what my life will be like in ten years time. Ten years ago I was certain that in ten years time I'd be living in New York making ends meet by creating art, surrounded by lots of musician friends with some sort of crazy hairstyle. I have the hairstyle and that's about it.

I didn't think for a second I'd be married and living in Devon, still not really knowing what I want to do with my life. I thought I'd be more established than I am.

I found myself taking a huge interest in politics in my late teens and as a result of bad decisions decided to do a degree in it. Towards the beginning of my final year I realised that it is not what I wanted to do. Thinking clearly, I should have done a photography degree, built up contacts and work as a photographer's assistant... In New York.

Strictly speaking the politics wasn't a bad idea as such, it's a good back up but do I really want to be spending 12 hours a day in a government office pushing pens? I've had a taste of that and it's awful.


Sorry I haven't updated. I wrote that a few months ago before I actually turned 25 two weeks ago.

So the news is, I'm splitting up with Phil, I found e-mails on his phone of a sexual nature to a girl he had met on Omegle and proceeded to swap personal email addreses.

Let me make it clear that I wasn't snooping, I was trying to open the Angry Birds app on his phone and accidently opened his Gmail which shows the the first line of the email, which was explicit.

I'm not going into what was exactly said in the emails but of course Phil's given me every excuse he can think of
"I didn't know what I was doing",
"It was a joke",
"I wasn't thinking of actually doing to her, what I'd written in the e-mail",
"If I'd known you'd react like this, I'd never had sent them"
"I was only being explicit because that's what I thought I was supposed to do",

And so forth.

Although he has given me "reasons" as to why he did it, he maintains the belief that he hasn't done anything wrong and I am getting the wrong stick of what exactly "went down".

I am the one feeling ashamed by his actions and he is carrying on like nothing happened.

I don't know what else to say, except he has destroyed me.