My family feels incomplete

It's nearly been 24 hours since Shadow left this world. We are both walking zombies.

I have never seen Phil cry and to see him break down every half an hour crying is unbearable. There is an atmosphere in this house that I do not like at all. The house feels cold and empty and I wonder if it will ever change into the house it was before yesterday's events. It still hasn't hit me properly that he has passed one thing for sure, is that my family feels incomplete without him.

Shadow is coming home in two weeks. I thought it would be sooner, we have never spent more than a few hours away from each other. These two weeks will be the longest of our lives as we feel we can have some closure when he returns. Thinking about bringing him home breaks my heart.

We've been sobbing so much these past 23 hours that, when we think we have no tears left, we either think we hear him or we smell him and the sobbing starts again. I did not expect there to be so much sorrow so soon after the move.

If there's one thing that I admire, it's the unity that Phil and I share as we lie in bed and weep for our friend as we play over the events of yesterday. He has been a tower of strength for me and I hope that he can say the same about me.

I just can't get it in to my head that Shadow was fine that morning and 9 hours later we were saying our goodbyes. We did our little routine where I say in a stupid voice "What are YOU doing?!" and he stuck his tongue out and wagged his tail, then went for a shit.

I feel guilty that we didn't see what the prognosis would have been like today, but he had been seizuring for a couple of hours from when we found him, to when he was put to sleep and no matter how much I wish for this, and I wish for that, there was nothing anyone could do for him.

We said our goodbyes and he sat up and for that moment seemed normal then his eyes rolled back and he started seizing again. It would have been cruel to keep him alive.

Watching a loved one go through a seizure is terrifying and I couldn't give him a proper goodbye as I was so scared watching him seize. I wanted to hold him and hug him and kiss him but I just crouched beside him and babbled on about how he was a good lad... Served us well.

I am extremely grateful that Phil thought nothing of being there for his friend in his time of need when I couldn't.

I will never feel safe at night knowing he is not there to "go protect the kingdom" as we often told him to do before we went to bed and he'd have a scan round the house, with such purpose, making sure everyone was safe and there were no burglars around.

We honestly believed he would see us well into our thirties, I had always looked forward to turning thirty with my beloved German Shepherd at my side, at least now, he can spend the rest of our days with us in some sort of physical form.