We did some packing yesterday and we tidied our bedroom. I hate that bedroom it's a breeding ground for mould, the amount of clothes that I've had to throw because they've grown mould overnight is astounding. Even when I hang fresh clothes up a week or so later they are wet and smell. I will not miss this flat when we leave. The flat's had mould since before we moved in but we had to overlook it because it's in a really nice area and we did not want to end up in a ghetto. Mouldy bedroom flat or live in a crack addict area? Mouldy bedroom flat wins. The only thing I like about our flat is that it's like a bungalow, we have a front and back door our own front yard and back garden.
Phil decided that one of the boxes would be for all the 14 games consoles we own *groan*. I put a load of clothes into bin bag liners... I don't know if I want to keep any of them. I've recently developed an interest in clothes, I hate using the term fashion. Most things in fashion aren't fashionable at all to me and as such these fashionable items can normally be seen on trailer trash.
I normally dress grungy and dirty and always in jeans. This is a far cry from my late teens when I had the body to dress in tiny things. But I put on a lot of weight then lost a lot of weight, and I feel more confident in myself. Now I'm entering my mid twenties I want to dress in skirts and I'm often found drooling over tights and stockings, vintage items and one of a kind things. I don't like seeing the stuff I wear on other people. It's embarrassing.
Phil's taking me on a date next week. We're going for Tapas in Bolton. I've never been for tapas before. I'm quite excited. I love being taken out to dinner, more so because Phil always looks so handsome. I've decided I'm going to wear a black sweater, my black skirt with green embroidery, some black woollen tights and my green pashmina to make it look less like I'm going to a funeral. I shall post photos.
Phil decided that one of the boxes would be for all the 14 games consoles we own *groan*. I put a load of clothes into bin bag liners... I don't know if I want to keep any of them. I've recently developed an interest in clothes, I hate using the term fashion. Most things in fashion aren't fashionable at all to me and as such these fashionable items can normally be seen on trailer trash.
I normally dress grungy and dirty and always in jeans. This is a far cry from my late teens when I had the body to dress in tiny things. But I put on a lot of weight then lost a lot of weight, and I feel more confident in myself. Now I'm entering my mid twenties I want to dress in skirts and I'm often found drooling over tights and stockings, vintage items and one of a kind things. I don't like seeing the stuff I wear on other people. It's embarrassing.
Phil's taking me on a date next week. We're going for Tapas in Bolton. I've never been for tapas before. I'm quite excited. I love being taken out to dinner, more so because Phil always looks so handsome. I've decided I'm going to wear a black sweater, my black skirt with green embroidery, some black woollen tights and my green pashmina to make it look less like I'm going to a funeral. I shall post photos.
We were talking last night about living in Devon and all the new people we might meet. The thing is, I seem to attract the wrong type of friends. The majority of friends I've had since I met Phil have all been really bitter nasty people who for some reason were desperate to see me fail and wanted Phil and I to break up. So I'm slightly worried that when we move I'll attract the same no good friends. Phil says that I should just relax because he's going to make sure I don't attract the no good types.
The last "friend" I had, well she was a very nasty rude person. She's a major Christian but the hate and rudeness she shows wasn't very Christian like at all. I will say no more about her identity but lets call her "Helen". We used to go for meals out and the way she treated waiters quite frankly embarrassed me. Phil took a heavy dislike to her from the moment he met her and told me that she'd end up screwing me over. Which she did. But because I'd known her such a long time I dismissed his warning.
I planned a trip with her as a farewell to her and the North West of England before I moved and she cancelled on me saying that her sister was going to take her on the same trip so she didn't want to go with me but instead suggested I should go with my husband. I was fuming. She thought that I was trying to come between her and her sister [?!], ignoring that I had told her I was angry because it was a trip for her and I to take not Phil and I, she completely dismissed the significance of the trip and showed how much I meant to her as a friend.
Anyway, she ended up ending our friendship through an email. It was the most nastiest email I'd ever read. She accused me of being a very very bitter person towards her and she gave me advice on how to make my life "better". Needless to say I didn't respond because she wasn't describing me, she was describing herself. Phil was in tears with laughter at the email he thought she was a brat anyway "Claire, she's a deluded b**** and she did you a favour by ending the friendship, you don't need self absorbed t**** like that".
Another reason why I didn't respond because I was happy she'd ended our friendship. You see, she has this friend called, "Emelia". Now "Helen" would always tell me the nasty things "Emelia" would say about me even though I hadn't seem "Emelia" since high school nor cared about the hatred she spewed towards me, it's been seven years love, MOVE ON! In turn, "Helen" would say the most horrific things about "Emelia". She'd would degrade "Emelia's" relationship and work and call her a sad waste of space. And I used to think "if this is what she's telling me about "Emelia" then what could she be possibly saying about me to "Emelia"?
"Helen" constantly talked about how sad people were from high school because they all still date the same people they did in Year 11 and "Helen" felt they need to "stop living in the past". It was then that I realised that it was "Helen" who was living in the past. A past I hadn't given thought to in seven years and eventually I was getting bored of her high school snipes. She sounded like a broken record. Phil was right she did do me a favour.
Phil is a very good judge of character as is my German Shepherd, Shadow. Shadow is by no means aggressive but to "Helen" well, he'd constantly growl at her and we'd always have to crate him. It worried us because he's such a sociable dog and loves everyone that comes round. She's known him since he was a tiny pup and out of all the people he's known since we got him she's the only one I thought he could probably bite. We worked on it whenever she came round and eventually he was able to tolerate her being in the house but that's as far as it went. Everyone else he adores and cries when they have to go home.
I now wonder whether Shadow was warning me that she was no good. I know it sounds completely sad and "Lassie" like. But honestly it's not uncommon for German Shepherds to want to protect their owners from people like that. I'm sick of choosing neurotic, depressed, self absorbed people as friends. But like a relationship you think they're awesome people until they show their true colours too late in and you hope it doesn't happen again and they flip out or blank you again and blame you for all their problems, by putting you down. Yet you know you haven't done anything to provoke it.
I think there's an element of jealousy towards me. I have this wonderful, amazing, funny, talented husband and I'm about to embark on a new life and I really think people want to make it as difficult a transition as possible for me. But in actual fact they are making it very easy for me. You see, I used to question whether I was doing the right thing by leaving all the people I cared about behind. By them choosing to leave my life it's made farewells a whole lot easier.
If there's one thing I learned about these friendships is that I can't constantly try and make people feel better about themselves. That is something that they have to do on their own. I cannot stand there and tell you things you want to hear only for you to fall out with me because I disagreed with you. I tried to make one friend feel better by saying that her dog, which she had just gotten rid of for stealing a carcass [which was meant for the bin] from the kitchen, would probably not miss her because it was possibly having too much fun rolling around on a 77 acre farm. I was honestly trying to make her feel less guilty than she did only for her to say
"how dare you try and put me down. I would NEVER say anything like that to you!"
I did explain that I was only trying to make her feel better. She deleted me from facebook, expecting me to come begging for forgiveness like she does with all her other idiotic friends, who she lets walk all over her. We haven't spoken since. It's sad because I know I was her only true friend.
True friendship is rough and smooth you argue, you make up. Once a person flips out and tells me they no longer want to be my friend I just don't bother to try and fix these friendships and I exit their lives completely. Why should I go running with my tail between my legs begging for their friendship? It's better to let them go. Phil has decided that any friend I make down in Devon, he is going to vet them along with Shadows help. If Shadow dislikes them and Phil confirms that they are bad eggs. They are gone. It's harsh but I'm too old for ridiculous fall outs. People's insecurities are not my problem to deal with, nor am I to blame for them.
The last "friend" I had, well she was a very nasty rude person. She's a major Christian but the hate and rudeness she shows wasn't very Christian like at all. I will say no more about her identity but lets call her "Helen". We used to go for meals out and the way she treated waiters quite frankly embarrassed me. Phil took a heavy dislike to her from the moment he met her and told me that she'd end up screwing me over. Which she did. But because I'd known her such a long time I dismissed his warning.
I planned a trip with her as a farewell to her and the North West of England before I moved and she cancelled on me saying that her sister was going to take her on the same trip so she didn't want to go with me but instead suggested I should go with my husband. I was fuming. She thought that I was trying to come between her and her sister [?!], ignoring that I had told her I was angry because it was a trip for her and I to take not Phil and I, she completely dismissed the significance of the trip and showed how much I meant to her as a friend.
Anyway, she ended up ending our friendship through an email. It was the most nastiest email I'd ever read. She accused me of being a very very bitter person towards her and she gave me advice on how to make my life "better". Needless to say I didn't respond because she wasn't describing me, she was describing herself. Phil was in tears with laughter at the email he thought she was a brat anyway "Claire, she's a deluded b**** and she did you a favour by ending the friendship, you don't need self absorbed t**** like that".
Another reason why I didn't respond because I was happy she'd ended our friendship. You see, she has this friend called, "Emelia". Now "Helen" would always tell me the nasty things "Emelia" would say about me even though I hadn't seem "Emelia" since high school nor cared about the hatred she spewed towards me, it's been seven years love, MOVE ON! In turn, "Helen" would say the most horrific things about "Emelia". She'd would degrade "Emelia's" relationship and work and call her a sad waste of space. And I used to think "if this is what she's telling me about "Emelia" then what could she be possibly saying about me to "Emelia"?
"Helen" constantly talked about how sad people were from high school because they all still date the same people they did in Year 11 and "Helen" felt they need to "stop living in the past". It was then that I realised that it was "Helen" who was living in the past. A past I hadn't given thought to in seven years and eventually I was getting bored of her high school snipes. She sounded like a broken record. Phil was right she did do me a favour.
Phil is a very good judge of character as is my German Shepherd, Shadow. Shadow is by no means aggressive but to "Helen" well, he'd constantly growl at her and we'd always have to crate him. It worried us because he's such a sociable dog and loves everyone that comes round. She's known him since he was a tiny pup and out of all the people he's known since we got him she's the only one I thought he could probably bite. We worked on it whenever she came round and eventually he was able to tolerate her being in the house but that's as far as it went. Everyone else he adores and cries when they have to go home.
I now wonder whether Shadow was warning me that she was no good. I know it sounds completely sad and "Lassie" like. But honestly it's not uncommon for German Shepherds to want to protect their owners from people like that. I'm sick of choosing neurotic, depressed, self absorbed people as friends. But like a relationship you think they're awesome people until they show their true colours too late in and you hope it doesn't happen again and they flip out or blank you again and blame you for all their problems, by putting you down. Yet you know you haven't done anything to provoke it.
I think there's an element of jealousy towards me. I have this wonderful, amazing, funny, talented husband and I'm about to embark on a new life and I really think people want to make it as difficult a transition as possible for me. But in actual fact they are making it very easy for me. You see, I used to question whether I was doing the right thing by leaving all the people I cared about behind. By them choosing to leave my life it's made farewells a whole lot easier.
If there's one thing I learned about these friendships is that I can't constantly try and make people feel better about themselves. That is something that they have to do on their own. I cannot stand there and tell you things you want to hear only for you to fall out with me because I disagreed with you. I tried to make one friend feel better by saying that her dog, which she had just gotten rid of for stealing a carcass [which was meant for the bin] from the kitchen, would probably not miss her because it was possibly having too much fun rolling around on a 77 acre farm. I was honestly trying to make her feel less guilty than she did only for her to say
"how dare you try and put me down. I would NEVER say anything like that to you!"
I did explain that I was only trying to make her feel better. She deleted me from facebook, expecting me to come begging for forgiveness like she does with all her other idiotic friends, who she lets walk all over her. We haven't spoken since. It's sad because I know I was her only true friend.
True friendship is rough and smooth you argue, you make up. Once a person flips out and tells me they no longer want to be my friend I just don't bother to try and fix these friendships and I exit their lives completely. Why should I go running with my tail between my legs begging for their friendship? It's better to let them go. Phil has decided that any friend I make down in Devon, he is going to vet them along with Shadows help. If Shadow dislikes them and Phil confirms that they are bad eggs. They are gone. It's harsh but I'm too old for ridiculous fall outs. People's insecurities are not my problem to deal with, nor am I to blame for them.
So RIGHT now I don't have any friends that I see. The friendships that are worth it [people from uni and Rob from college], I never see because we all live too far away but we are in constant contact.
I think the reason why I'm finding it so difficult to find friends is because my peers don't easily relate to me. I'm 23, I've been married for two blissful years without children. Most people my age treat me like a leper because they can't comprehend why I would want to be married when I don't have children. I've been told that I shouldn't be married and that I should be enjoying my youth "sowing my wild oats". But I am enjoying my youth, I just enjoy it with my husband. I'd rather be friendless than without my husband. That's not to say I need a man to complete me I'm just very very close to him.
People my age are all about the clubs. I don't enjoy going to clubs I think clubs are for single people and I don't like people shouting in my ear. I don't like the music of today, I only know who Rhianna and Chris Brown is because they're like Ike and Tina. I'd much prefer going out to a pub without speakers blaring today's crappiest hits a foot away from me. Also we never go out because every penny we have goes towards our moving fund.
Equally, I'm too immature to have mature friends. I still watch Disney Cinemagic, trashy MTV shows and I love high school musical and I'm an avid Hello Kitty collector. I'm mature in the sense that I take my marriage vows seriously as well as face up to my responsibilities as an independent girl. But, at the same time I want to kick back and savour my youth. Basically I'm not grown up enough for my 23 year old body.
There's nothing wrong with me per se I'm loud, confident and have a killer sense of humour I think that when I hit 26 or 27 and there's more married people my age, I'll have a mass of friends like I did before I married. It's just a shame that there's so much contempt for young married women. It's not just me, I have a married online friend [she's 21] and she feels ostracised from society too.
And that will be the only vent I will do on this blog. I feel really good about writing it. On the other hand if any of these people happen to come across this post, don't take it to heart [although you probably will] and I honestly hope that life treats you as kindly as it has treated me.
And now for something completely different...
A bit about how I met Phil. I was 19 he was 22. He was meeting some friends of mine for drinks. They'd shown me his Myspace photo's, I have a massive thing for men with long hair and blue eyes, I decided it might be best if I tagged along.
I messaged him on Myspace that day coolly introducing myself as though I was welcoming him into our circle of friends. We started talking. I wasn't sure if I'd get the chance to talk to him alone at the pub and I didn't regular access to the Internet so I pretended that we were all terrible time keepers and asked whether he had anyone's number in case we were late or plans changed. He hadn't so I gave him mine. Smooth. He didn't realise that was just a ploy to get his number. As soon as I saw him walk in to the pub I knew I was going to marry him. Six weeks later he proposed. Nearly two years later we got married.
Phil is originally from Devon as I may have said and as such says "can't" instead of ****, which I find hilarious. He's always wanted to move back to Devon he's just never settled in Manchester. He supported me financially through university and I suggested that as a small token of my gratitude for doing that we should buy our flat, do it up and move to Devon. We aimed to do this before he was thirty.
Last year, I unexpectedly came into a large sum of money. I didn't know what to do with it and I always feel guilty about frittering away large sums of money. I wanted to use it and have the best Christmas ever. But Phil felt awkward about me spending money intended for me on him. So he declined and said that I should spend it on whatever I wanted, how I wanted. I was thinking about using it to do our flat up but again, it'd be money wasted as we'd only sell it anyway.
So one day we met up for lunch in town. It suddenly came to me! We should use the money to move to Devon after I graduated. I think he again tried to decline but there was no stopping me. We were both MISERABLE in our dingy flat. We now had enough money to relocate, provide a few months rent AND have enough to live on while we searched for work. Things were starting to look up for the Burtons and here we are today. Phil is packing up his consoles as we speak *groan* At least it's a start and this move really is starting to happen.
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